Thursday, November 17, 2011

a better widow than me


Photo from here...


Last night, I finally threw Jeff's toothbrush in the trash. 3 years, 7 months and 22 days, since he used it to scrub his teeth clean.
This action was precipitated a few days ago when I had spoken to a dear friend who is known for being outspoken and blunt. She doesn't mean harm at all but is very Northern European in the delivery of her very strong beliefs and feelings.
During our visit, she told me that I had to "get over" Jeff. She said it was time to stop grieving and that I needed to get rid of the active reminders of, not only his death, but his life as well. Photos, personal effects, etc. All these should be removed.
She told me that I was teaching the kids to grow up grieving. That they would never "get over it" if I didn't move on. My lovely friend told me that she had lost grandparents who she had been close to and favourite friends and that she had had to move on.
Although I told her that I didn't agree that I was stuck in my grieving process and defended my beliefs and action; the confidence that I have grown in the last three years in my abilities, my intuition and strength took a bit of a bruising.
For the last few days, I have intensely analyzed all my post-Jeff actions. I have wondered if they are "normal" and "appropriate". I have scrutinized my grief and that of my children.
I find it interesting that to someone outside our home, it looks as if I am still struggling horribly in my grief. But inside our home, Jeff's life is celebrated and because of this, ours is so much richer. We have lost so much but manage to laugh and share a closeness that many other families do not. Death is not a taboo subject in our home. Neither is joy, anger, frustration or love. All types of emotions are wrapped into the learning experience we have all had due to Jeff's death...and we don't hide them. Just as we have these thoughts/feelings due to Jeff's death, we have a truly rich life that has nothing to do with our loss. Three lives that are celebrated everyday for the mere fact that we still live and will do so, richly and happily, until each of our time comes.
Ultimately, I have come to the conclusion that grief, specifically the loss of a spouse, is something that you have to live through to truly "get". I feel that just as everyone is the best parent they will ever be and know exactly how to parent BEFORE they ever even have their own children, everyone is the best widow/er before they have lost a spouse to death. I, too, have lost my beloved grandfather, very close friends, even an ex-boyfriend, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could have prepared me for this.
So this morning, I fished that old toothbrush out of the garbage bin.....and put it in my sock drawer. No one has to see it any more, but it is still there, marking his place. Marking his existence until I am ready to remove it from our home.

21 comments:

  1. Wow Thank You! I am at 10 months and I haven't moved/changed a thing. Not a thing in his closet or his dresser or his side of the bathroom and the suitcase from the hospital, where he spent the last three months of his life, is sitting in his closet unopened. It feels like such a relief to say that to some one- it's been my dirty little secret-proof to the non-widows in my life that i am not as "ok" as I appear to be. When my 4 year old wants to paint we go to Daddy's closet and pull out a shirt, it's comforting to me to have his things around us. So thank you so much for sharing how you are "marking your husbands place".

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  2. Wish I could stand on a top of a hill and read your post to everyone and anyone who has EVER critiqued my grief path and asked why I still have "stuff" around the house after 20 months!

    Thank you.......!!!!!!

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  3. Ha...Good for you, Jackie, for not caving in. I, too, have not removed the toothbrush from the holder...it just looks right in that space, and I don't want to see one lonely brush there, staring me in the face everyday. It's no big deal to me, but must be to your friend. And just because you dispose of all their personal items doesn't mean that you have moved on, they still reside in your heart and soul forever. I love that you retrieved the toothbrush, it is right where it should be. If it gives you peace of mind knowing it is there, so what? If I had to remove all personal effects and photos of my life with Doug, I would grieve even longer and deeply. They are not only about him and his life, they are about me too! You do what you gotta do, and for now, things are staying put in my house. I'm glad to see they are in your house too.

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  4. right there with you toothbrush and all!!!

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  5. Jackie! I love this post! Everyone seems to know everything that is best for you without them ever going through it themselves! I couldn't imagine our house not having Joe's things around, I couldn't pretend that he just never happened! All in our own time on our own journey! Thanks for the reminder today! I totally needed that!

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  6. Everyone knows how and what the widow should do although they aren't widows themselves. Hogwash on all of those well meaning people who try to run our lives. I'm amazed this woman remains a friend. I would have ditched her a long time ago--just as I did to my dear friend who told me I was "all about myself and didn't care about others anymore." I don't need people like that in my life when I'm grieving over the loss of a husband who I'd been married to for 53 years.

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  7. One of my friends gave me that same lecture last summer. I quietly took it. Then I got mad. I finally called him and told him that I was a widow with young children and that we all deserved to have my husband/their father present in the house and in our conversations. He had suggested that like with divorce we should just put everything away and quit talking about him. Yeah- NOT going to happen. Thank you for writing. It's always good to know that others have similar experiences.

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  8. The heart knows the path through grief and we have to let it have its way.
    I have filled my husbands dresser with his things, our love letters, his watches, his favourite shoes, my favourite sweater that he wore and all the cards he saved that I sent him over 36 years. His pictures are everywhere, in our family - we talk about him, laugh about him, sob over his death, wish for him, have toasts in his memory and everyday celebrate that he lived.
    I will never be over him but each day my grief is a bit transformed. I know one day when it is my turn . . . my last thoughts will be of him. There is no over there is only through.
    with love and memory

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  9. so glad you did that...listen to your heart only i reckon....my guy died last feb. and now i think i will get a t/shirt made saying " How Many F-ing Husbands /Wives Have You Lost " for the amount of times people try and tell you how to live,well done you............

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  10. Right on, Jackie. I remember a presenter at Camp this summer saying that her response to those type of comments is "How's YOU'RE widowhood going?"
    The presumption that anyone can advise me on how to go about doing this is frustrating. It's arduous enough without others suggesting we should be doing it differently. I think everyone who cares about a widowed person should be encouraged to read "Tear Soup". It's like an instruction book for people who love someone who's grieving.

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  11. So glad to read this! I'm two years out and have just started to do some cleaning of his items - saying that it's been only his items from the basement & garage - nowhere near removing his clothes, etc. As far as his pictures they're not going anywhere they are part of me and my history and who I am - I would not be the the person I am if I hadn't spent the last 30 years with my husband. I find that one of the most disturbing things is the constant comparisons and words of wisdoms from those that are not widows/ers - it drives me nuts, it really pushes my buttons!!! Well done Jackie.....

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  12. Very good post, Jackie. I feel exactly the same. And I have already accepted the fact that other people don't get it. I looked at some of my husband's shirts this afternoon - just remembered him wearing them, and then folded them back to return to the box in my closet.

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  13. I'd rather get over some friends than get over Don.

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  14. Jackie, Really enjoyed your post. It has been 2 years since I lost my wonderful husband and I still have his electric razor sitting in the cabinet. It's a warm feeling to know it is there. Life is a journey and no one knows what it's like when the journey of your soul mate ends and yours continues on without him. Your friend will never know until someday she finds herself in that position. I'm glad you kept the toothbrush. Good for you!!!

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  15. Thanks for posting your response, Jackie. It's been 13 years since I lost the love of my life. We were married 33 years and I still miss him everyday and I still have some of his things sittng out where I can see them and touch them. He was here and needs to be remembered.

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  16. more than 5 years for me and I have not touched many of his things. I hope that no one ever ever tries to tell me what pace to go at.....do it your way. It will happen when you are ready and not a minute sooner.

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  17. I am two years out, and I have found that widowed people go one of two ways. They either quickly get everything out of sight, some even going so far as to move out of their house, or they keep everything. I am of the latter persuasion. Each person finds comfort in their own way, and there is no right or wrong to it. It is unfortunate that people feel the need to be advice givers on many levels. No good ever comes from it. Only you know what will give you comfort and get you through the day, and the rest is smoke. Blessings to all.

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  18. It has been 2 years for me and it doesn't get any better as time goes by.
    The tears still come but not as much.
    My husband suffered so bad the last 7 months of his life that it was a relief for him to be at peace.
    I still have a lot of his clothes.
    I'm sorry now that I didn't keep his toothbrush.

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  19. Good girl retrieving the toothbrush. I almost gave my late husband's vitamins to my dad, but at the last moment took them back. They are safely in the master bathroom closet until I decide it is time to give or throw them away.

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  20. At nearly 52 months out from losing my Steve, I am standing -- and applauding you -- in writing this. AMEN!!!!! I'm actually cleaning out my closet this weekend -- OUR closet -- and having to wash things because the dust layer on top of some is at least 1/4" thick. I've left his clothes alone -- they were his -- but I'm slowly moving towards washing them and then figuring out what to do with them. I'm doing this on my timeline, no one elses. THANK YOU for writing this!

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