Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Mixed Tears ....

                                                           pic from here

..... were flowing down my face today.
The man in my life, V, was holding me.

He had spent the day taking care of me after he took me to a hospital bright and early this morning so that I could have a procedure done on my shoulder.  I had to be put under so they wanted to make sure that someone would be staying the day with me, to keep any eye on me.
V did a very good job.
He watched me sleep on his couch while he worked on his computer.
He watched me read a book (and fight off sleep) while he did work over the phone.

It was a quiet day.
But it was day that spoke volumes.
He watched over me.
And that felt amazing and emotional all at the same time.

He loves me.  Very much.
I love him.  Very much.
I never thought I'd have this kind of love again.
But I was wrong.

He was holding me tonight and I told him "thank you".
"Thank you for taking care of me."
To which he replied, "I always will."
And then I started to cry.
Good tears.

Emotional tears because I couldn't believe I was saying those words ..... couldn't believe that I actually have someone in my life who loves me enough to want to take care of me.
And yet .... emotional tears because there was that small sliver of fear that sliced into my heart .... you know the one.
V said, "I always will." .... and I thought ..... "I hope so."
But we know that that's really all we have, isn't it?  ..... hope.
I hope he out-lives me (yes, selfishly I hope that).
I hope I never have to endure the death of a husband .... again.

And so I cried.
Mixed tears.
Tears of happiness and joy and thankfulness ..... for what I have.
And for what I had.

Tears of fear.
For what I now know can be lost in one breath.

I mostly am able to deal with that fear head on and stop those tears.
I am holding on to this man and loving him as crazily as he's loving me.
Because I know that life is short, so I'm not letting go.
But I'm holding on.

Yes, there are tears.
Mixed tears.
Tears of joy, happiness and thankfulness.

Tears of sadness .... tears for what was.

Tears of joy .... tears for what might be.

And tears of fear.  
Tears for what might happen.

Mixed tears.
All present.
All accounted for.
But there are far fewer tears for fear than for the good tears.
Far fewer.

So hang in there.
The tears will get mixed.
And easier to deal with.
Much easier.


  1. Thanks for this post Janine. Just at the moment my biggest fear, that I will be alone forever, is overwhelming me. You give me a glimmer of hope that one day I may find another wonderful man to share my life with.

  2. This is such a timely post for me as well because I too went to an out-patient thing yesterday, and my sister was the one who took care of me. I have been crying today because they told me I did not have to have the procedure done again for 10 years. I am crying because to think of 10 more years without my husband. The future is not a pleasant place for me. You are a very lucky woman to have found love again.

  3. a beautiful post; so happy for you

  4. Thanks Janine for an inspiring post. I am so happy that you have found love again. It brings tears to my eyes. It also sends a message to all of those who are walking that "w" walk, that maybe someday we, too, will be loved and able to love someone else as much!

  5. It must be a time of such mixed emotions, as well as stirring everything back up. I don't know what I would do. Keep us posted, and best to you.

  6. Today is one year.
    There is a song - Hope there is somebody by Antony and the Johnsons.
    If we have anyone who loves us when it is is our turn and they care for us in the way we cared for the ones we love.
    I think - we will be more than lucky to have found that kind of love more than once in one lifetime.

  7. Anon #5 --- Thank you for sharing that. Especially on this day. You are in my thoughts ....

  8. Beautifully said! And bravo to you!! I have never met you dear one yet I am cheering for you!

  9. Beautiful post!! Bravo to you dear one!! I don't know you, yet I am cheering for you!

  10. Well said. I so needed to hear that

  11. Janine, thank you for sharing such a beautiful personal "life" moment.