Friday, March 30, 2012

This Life

Six and a half years ago the worst thing happened. I wasn't prepared, I had never imagined (who does I guess?), and even if I did spend anytime pondering what life would be like if my 39 year old husband was hit and killed by a car, I still wouldn't have dreamed up the life that has come after that worst moment.

I could not have imagined the brutal pain of waking up in an empty bed.

I could not have imagined picking up the phone to call him, over and over again...I would have guessed that eventually I'd figure out that he wasn't going to answer.

I could not have imagined six years after his death STILL thinking I saw him standing on a street corner.

I could not have imagined how my heart would break when I read what one of my children would later write about that day, or the ways in which his death would change their lives.

I could  not have imagined being surrounded by other widowed people. And if I did imagine such a thing I am sure I would have expected us to all be sharing kleenex instead of laughter.

I could not have imagined telling my story in front of hundreds of people or the tightness in my chest that would accompany that storytelling each and every time. I would have imagined getting used to the words, that somehow saying them over and over would make them lose their power.

But more than any other thing I could not imagine on the day that my love died, I could never have imagined the friends I would make as I put the pieces of my shattered life back together. My widowed community changed my life. I wouldn't be who I am today without the people I have met along the way. They inspire me. They encourage me. They lift me up, and also anchor me to this world. The one I am left with now. The one that is more beautiful than I could ever have imagined 2,402 days ago.

8 comments:

  1. I LOVE IT! I just barely wrote something very similar this week called "why I love being a widow" about the unexpected beauty and shape your new life takes.

    I'm so happy to read that I am not the only one who looks at themself and thinks "geeze, I'm so much more beautiful of an individual that I was before". Thank you for sharing!

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  2. Great post Michele! I can't even begin to count the number of times I have said "I could never have imagined....." over these last two very short years. I, too, could have never imagined all the strangers who have become my rocks, my perpetually grips on getting through some days. I could have never have imagined I would be connected "virtually" to this widow world here on this blog and that includes both the writers and responders.

    I hope one day to be able to give back all that I have received in this totally unimaginable place.

    Thank you!!!!!

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    1. Posting here and sharing your insights/story really does make a difference. I am so glad we are part of your virtual widow world!

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  3. I am constantly humbled with both joy and guilt at my new life. I sometimes wonder if my wife would even recognize me now...and how I would gladly give it all up to have her back.

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    1. It is a crazy conflict Wanderoke...but I feel confident that living every day to the fullest is the very best way we can honor the love we have known in our lives. I have a feeling that our wife would be proud of how far you've come since having to say good bye.

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  4. Hugs to you Michelle. What we go thru is unimaginable, there are no words to describe the pain of grief. I too couldn't imagine a day without my Michael, and it's now 2 1/2 years later and I sometimes wonder how I did it? It was the support of family, several friends, my grief counselor, you and SSLF. Finding this has not only been helpful, it also gotten me thru so many dark hours and has given me a reason to go on thru your inspiration thru this community and new found friends that share common bonds. I'm in awe of how you carry your husbands legacy. He is smiling from above, so proud of how you could turn his tragedy into a community to help others around the world. My Mike would be so proud to to see me going to CWE - my first trip since his passing, doing something for "me" and keeping him alive in my heart all the time. Thank you, Michelle.

    Roseann K

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Roseann. I know Mike would be proud of you for having the courage to make your way to Myrtle Beach and embrace this community in person! Can't wait to meet you!

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  5. so true. so beautiful. Thank you Michelle for being a flickering candle in a place where there can be such darkness some days. Your example is hope. Your willingness to put it all out there so that our community can come together in more meaningful and healing ways is inspiring beyond words...who knew on each of our fateful days when we lost our loves that we would all find each other and through each other find strength to face each day.

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