Thursday, January 17, 2013

What I Would Tell My Newly Widowed Self

Vee is having a bit of computer trouble, so visiting writer Wendy Diez is filling in as our guest blogger. Wendy is the founder of Chicagoland Young Widowed Connection, an organization supporting young widowed people in the Chicagoland area. Thank you Wendy!





Yesterday marked four years since Chris died, which simultaneously feels like forever ago and no time at all.  Parents often talk about the passage of time in relation to their children’s growth.  Blink once and they are all grown up.  We don’t really think that way in terms of grief, do we?  Every day seems torturous and never-ending without our love beside us.  The thought of surviving four weeks let alone four years without Chris seemed unbearable to me when he died.  Now that I have arrived at this point in my journey, I can reflect on those early days and consider some things that I wish someone had told me.  I share them not as an “expert” but as an unwilling veteran who gained experience over time.  I share them not just for the many newly widowed people who I know are part of our community but also for those other seasoned vets who might have their own lessons to add.  Feel free to contribute your thoughts in the comments section.

Your body will feel every inch of your grief so be kind to it.  Whether you aren’t physically able to keep food down or you drown your sorrows in it, or you drink to forget, or you become an insomniac, your body will suffer.  It may suffer only temporarily while you learn to live within your new life or it may be hard-hit with new ailments.  You may also unwittingly set up unhealthy habits as you and others make excuses.  “You’re grieving!  So what if you have an extra cocktail (or donut or sleeping pill)?”  These habits will be very difficult to break later on down the road.  This is the number one sentiment I wish people had shared with me.  Four years later, I feel like I have aged thirty mainly due to unhealthy habits I developed during the early stages of my grief.  I’ll be working on breaking those habits for a good, long time.

Your loss will transform your relationships.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  Yes, some relationships that you thought were strong may not survive.  People’s own fears about death or their judgments about the way you are dealing with your grief can rip a permanent hole into a relationship.  These additional losses can add salt to your wound but you will also be pleasantly surprised by incredibly meaningful relationships that develop.  Some friendships that once consisted of a wave and a nod at church or the school drop-off will grow into invaluable connections.  And you will meet new people, like I have even four years out, who instantly “get it” and become like soul mates.  The long and the short of it? Your relationships will never be the same.

You are not alone…not by any stretch of the imagination.  Do you see what happened when you went to your computer and looked for others like you?  Or when someone told you that they knew just one other person who was widowed young and you reached out to him/her?  If I had understood the powerful, loving community that was waiting for me with arms outstretched the night that Chris died, I would have felt a little less scared, a little less alone and a little less hopeless.

You will actually feel like getting out of bed one day and be happy that the sun is shining and the birds are singing.  I promise.  I promise.  I really do promise.  Lots of widowed people say that it doesn’t get better, it just gets different.  Actually, it does get better.  Of course, you are never going to be happy that your life was rewritten for you without one of your favorite characters.  But it will get better.  It may happen slowly as you realize the value of this thing called life even more now that you have seen it ripped away from someone you love.  Or it may hit you like a bolt of lightning like it did for me when it dawned on me that I wanted to enjoy life for myself AND for Chris.  Either way, I promise that one day--unfortunately, I can’t tell you when-- it will hurt less to face each new day and you will begin to experience joy and happiness again.

You will live with your grief forever but grief will not be your life forever.   You will learn ways to walk hand-in-hand with your grief instead of you being dragged behind it.  You will learn how to share space with your grief during the holidays and special occasions without it taking over.  You will honor your grief by honoring your spouse/partner in both small and big ways for the rest of your life.  But grief will start to consume less of your precious time and energy and the business of living a beautiful life will ensue.   Before you know it, you will have blinked and four years will have passed.  And you will be able to look back and appreciate what you have overcome and what you have become.

19 comments:

  1. I can relate to so much of what you have written and shared here Michele, thank you.
    I am nine years widowed and so pleased to have found this blog.

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  2. Thank you, this is what I needed to hear today. I'm in the "winter" of my grief, waiting impatiently for "spring".

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  3. This is wonderful, Wendy, and I thank you for sharing your valuable insights. Readers might find this post to be of interest, too: "Voices of Experience: What I've Learned From Grief," http://j.mp/pxcNlf

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  4. I completely agree with all this. I've just turned the corner and am realising it's ok to be happy and enjoy life. My husband died nearly 2 years ago and I never thought my children & I would get to this point.
    Thank you for your words, you have spoken beautifully and from the heart.

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  5. I am newly widowed..I just can't see this ....I am forever hopeful, but I just can't see this yet...

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    1. You are right - you can't see it - your grief has you in a "white out" and you just can't see it. It has only been 23 months for me and only recently, can I "see it" on occasion. This is the hardest thing I have ever done to learn to live without the love of my life. Go easy on yourself and don't let yourself or anyone else put a time frame on your grief. Let it flow, let the grief roll in. In the early months, I was so scared of the tsunami like waves that would come in and drown me yet again, over and over and over for days/weeks at a time. And then occasionally, I would find myself hanging on for dear life, but upright in my little inner tube riding the waves a bit better for a little while until the next big one. The pain has not killed me and I know it will be fierce again, even though today it is not. Some days the only thing you can do is to breath and breathing counts for a lot. I'm sorry for your pain. It is hard as a fellow widow to really understand how bad you are hurting.

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    2. just to clarify.....my last sentence, should have read, "It is hard as a fellow widow to have felt how you really feel and understand how bad you are hurting, because I have been and am there too."

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  6. Wendy, I just passed the two year mark (New Year's Eve) of my husband of 25 years death....thank you for writing your blog and giving those of us who are still in the dark something to look forward to.

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  7. Great blog - so true.

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  8. Thank you for your encouraging words of "hope" Michele. I've only been reading on this blog for a week. 7 weeks ago I lost my husband. On Nov. 1st we found out that he had the "possibility" of cancer, on December 1st we had his Memorial service. Needless to say my head and heart are still trying to find each other. I never dreamed that such a journey even existed. Ken and I had been married 36 years, he truly was my best friend and still is. This is so draining. . . words of hope are so cherished! Thank You Again!

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    1. This is exactly where I am. I went to the ER November 14, 2014 with my husband of 38 years thinking he had pneumonia, and that maybe we'd have prescriptions to pick up or that he might have to spend a night in the hospital for an iv -but, 1- days later we had to decide to let him go knowing that he had Acute Myeloid Leukemia and would never, ever be able to do the things he loved again. He never even knew he had a disease we'd never heard of 10 days before he died. All of a sudden my rock, my lover, my best friend in the world for 42 years is gone. Just gone. What am I to do?

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  9. Oh boy - do your points ever hit home for me. I have picked up some bad habits in the last 9 months since I lost my partner, some of them I am going to have to alter; but I also need to find some new habits. The line that really struck home for me was that "life was re-written". This is the hardest part for me - we, like all others on here, had so many plans for our future - and I am a very linear person, so change can be challenging. Unfortunately I had 3 changes happen at the same time - I lost my partner (very suddenly), I lost my privacy (ours was a same-sex union which was very private, due to our professional careers, which only family and friends that needed to know, knew about) and I lost my career within 2 days of his death (cut-backs). It has not been an easy "re-write" to say the least...still stuck on the preface...

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  10. I lost my husband to cancer just 10months ago, and its still so difficult to see any light, however this blog has shed positivity and strength upon the time to come. The hardest thing for me has been the loss of my childrens father, our baby was only 7months old. Thankyou for your insight x

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  11. I am glad to have found this blog, it is giving me a little hope as to my future without my husband. Steve only passed away on January 12 of this year at the age of 56. I feel so cheated, not only for me, but mainly for him, he wanted to do so much more with his life. My children are all grown and three live with me, but there is still loneliness. After coming across this blog it shows me that perhaps I can roll with the changes to come.

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  12. I am sitting here in tears. I am a very new widow. I lost my husband just 12 days ago and the pain is unbearable. I am 35 with 4 little ones. I found your blog as I desperately searched the web for answers. Answers to what? I don't know.... The loneliness and heartache are just unbearable.Thank you for your words. I just don't see how this could ever get better. I feel lost.

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    1. I'm so very sorry. There are others who feel as you do - and others who are further along to bring you hope. Have you joined us in Widowed Village? It's our online community: www.widowedvillage.org

      And our Widow's Voice blogs have moved over to our Soaring Spirits web site. You'll find them at this link: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

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    2. i am truly sorry. i just turned 56 and i too lost my spouse in early sept 2016. she was making diner against my wishes due to her getting stent 17 and 18 the week before which is a very high number. i thought maybe we had 2-5 yrs left. she was feeling ok but her blood pressure was low. when the ambulance took her, i was 15 min behind, pulling dinner out of the oven so that when i brought her home she had food. when i got there, she was dead. i cant explain crying out load hysterically and screaming at God, dont do this, on the way to the hospital. i didnt know, but somehow i did. i clung to her dead body, kissing her face over and over begging God to bring her back for over an hour before other family arrived. i lost my treasure forever. i dont know why i posted this. it wont help anyone, maybe i just needed to vent. i worshipped my wife ever since time began, not more than God, but a close 2nd to God. Even though God has helped and is helping even now, this is what i had to share. i am so truly sorry for your loss

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  13. Became a widow 16 August 2016 . We were on holiday in europe and my husband left a few days early to return to NZ. He died in his sleep 2 days before I was due back. I will never forget hanging on the phone while my neighbour broke down the door because he would not answer the phone. The trip back was horrendous we have no close family or children.ended up having to come back home with my parents in europe as was unable to be left alone and noone could stay with me. I am now going back and hope i can be strong enough to handle the loneliness. I love my husband so much it still feels like he will be there to pick me up at the airport

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    1. I'm very sorry for your loss, Pumpkin. Please note that our Widow's Voice blogs have moved to the Soaring Spirits site and can be found here: http://www.soaringspirits.org/blog

      You may also be interested in our online community, Widowed Village, where you can share with others who have recent losses. You'll find it here: http://widowedvillage.org/

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