Saturday, May 31, 2014

Empty fury



I'm sure we've all been told that 'anger' is one of the phases of grief (coincidently, Stephanie wrote about these on Thursday). I say 'phases' instead of 'stages' because, in my experience, it’s not a linear process where you graduate from one emotion to the next.  Instead, it’s been a messy, complicated jumble that throws us back and forward, turning us inside and out.

Thankfully, I haven't felt a lot of anger, maybe four or five bursts in the past 10 months. But when it hits, boy oh boy, it's like a tornado has blown in hard and fast.  I’m having one of the anger storms tonight, so thought I’d vent here.

I've never been able to direct the anger at Dan. I wish I could because I imagine it might feel satisfying to blame him for this mess I'm in. But in my heart I know it's not his fault. He didn't take his life to hurt me, he wasn't in the frame of mind to understand he was ending my life too - my life the way I knew it anyway. His final note tells me that he thought he was saving me.  I want to be angry that he got it so wrong but I honestly believe he died from a disease that he just couldn't control.

If anything, when I try to direct the anger at him I end up feeling even more heart-broken because rather than point an accusing finger, I want to protect him. I want to bundle him up in my arms, kiss his sweet, gentle face and sooth him. I want to tell him it's going to be ok, he doesn't need to be scared, we'll work it out together. 

So no, I can't be angry with him. But I'm still furious and looking for somewhere to direct it.

I want to pour blame on Dan's doctor, who I can't help but feel let us down. Or the people he crossed paths with the morning he died  He was distraught, with tears pouring down his face, yet no one stopped him. I want to shake them and say 'why didn’t you ask if he was ok? Why did you fail us!' But I know it's not their fault either. If I didn't see it, and I was the closest person too him, how can I blame others?  I know they suffered from this too.

I want to hurl my anger at those close to me - my family and friends. Those who have done everything possible to help me but needed to make their own lives a priority for a rare moment, triggering my abandonment issues and making me want to shove everyone away. But I know they love me and are hurting to see me like this.  I know it’s not fair to lash out at them.

I want to pound my fists against the idiot at work, or the asshole who gave me attitude at the grocery store. I want to roar like a savage beast at everyone who still has their spouse to come home to at night, to console them after a tough day, cook them a meal or help with the shitty chores that no one wants to do on their own. But I know that wouldn’t be fair either.

I want to run, to burn the fury through physical exertion, but I don't seem to have the energy to pull my shoes on. I want to throw crockery plates at a brick wall. Hear them crash and watch them shatter. But I like my plates and the mess would bother me.

I want to destroy everything good around me, so my surroundings resemble my insides - barren and lonely and dark.

But I just don't have the heart. So I lie here defeated and cry. That primal howling cry that comes from deep within while my body writhes with pain. I scream in to my pillow, 'why!?' and 'please come back!' and 'no, this isn't fair - it's too much! I can't do it' until I fall asleep from exhaustion.

Then, in the morning, head pounding and puffy-eyed I'll get up, take a deep breath and go and do it all again.  One day at a time, one step at a time. Until the anger rolls in again.



16 comments:

  1. Even though the circumstances of our husbands' death are different, I know exactly how you feel; each word of it. I read somewhere about throwing ice cubes at a wall instead of plates. I am very tempted to try that, but even that will mean finding a wall that can handle the abuse and/or wiping all the water afterwards.
    Sending you a big hug!

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    1. Ice cubes are a great idea, thanks Asha. Sending a big hug right back :)

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  2. And though in a different location and strangers to one another, we share this rage. As I too refrain from wailing that which is in my hand in to as many pieces as possible, and wonder when I'll stop screaming in my head while forcing the smile onto my face as I speak with everyone else. ~Sabrina

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    1. It's so exhausting, isn't to Sabrina. Take care of yourself.

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  3. Thank you for this post. This is exactly how I've felt - angry! and yet rational about where to aim the blame and destruction I feel. My husband just died suddenly, he was 37 years old and seemingly healthy, could run miles and miles like it was nothing and then his heart just stopped one night. How does that happen? How did we miss that? But, I don't blame anyone particularly and so then it's like an awful bubble of rage filling my chest and no relief. One silver liner about this rollercoaster is that the emotions do swing. I can't stand feeling that anger but I know that in a little while it will change to something else.

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    1. Thanks Colima, it really helps knowing I'm not the only one battling the anger! You're right, there is relief when the emotions swing. I'm so grateful that I don't feel angry very often.

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  4. Yes, I have been there. Hang In there.

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  5. Oh Rebecca...though each of our particular situation is slightly different I can say I relate to this pain...I personally don't know anything more horrible. What a rotten deal. I'm glad we're here together so we can share virtual hugs and support...sending it to you.

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    1. Thank you Stephanie, I'm glad we're here together too :)

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  6. oh, Rebecca, these are exactly the feelings I've had lately, after the 1st anniversary of Hugh's death when I found him next to me, lifeless, dead while right in the midst of a robust remission from cancer. there is no one person to blame, but I feel so angry that we were BOTH in a remission (mine, ST IV met BC), living our re-invented life together, so happy, with so many obstacles overcome. though our circumstances of loss are different, we experience much of the same feelings of how ridiculous, how senseless it is and how the long stretch of time spreads out before us when we will be without the loves of our life. to go from such heights of happiness and joy and love to the depths of such devastating loss, and longing, and loneliness feels so cruel - and the fall, nearly fatal for our hearts, has once again become just as surreal as it was in the beginning - he just cannot be gone, can't he please come back, or come and get me? I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dear Dan and for how it must feel that he suffered so. and I echo Stephanie's sentiment - so glad we can be here together to share virtual hugs and support. much love and my wishes for respite and comfort from this awful vale of tears and grief. Karen xoxo

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    1. Karen, thank you for sharing. I can't count the number of nights I've laid in be and cried 'please don't go, please come back' even though I understand 100% that it's impossible. I feel like I'm talking to him in that moment, even though the moment has passed. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're right, it's very difficult to go from a time of absolute joy (like the newlywed phase or, in your case, mutual remission) to such a tragic loss. I imagine it's also difficult (in a different) way for those who lost their partners after months or years of pain and difficulty. It's really such a sucky hand to be dealt, in all circumstances. I do get comfort in knowing I'm not alone. Lots of love.

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  7. My husband left home one day for a business trip and died the next in a car accident in a foreign country 2 1/2 years ago and there are still many days when I want to yell until my throat is raw. I too wake up some mornings with my eyes raw from crying and my heart lying on the bedroom floor in pieces. Thank you so much for putting everything we all feel into real words. Sending hugs to you and everyone.

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    1. Kim, I'm so sorry - I can't even imagine how difficult that would have been for you. Sending you lots of love

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  8. Rebecca, I can absolutely relate to your story. My husband died in the midst of a psychotic episode. It's not 100% clear what happened but he was found dead in a river. I too have not known where to point the fingers and throw my anger at. I've been angry at his psychiatrist who failed to help in so many ways, angry at his father for setting him off emotionally in the midst of knowing he was not well, angry at all of his friends for being absent in his greatest time of need. It's been a long journey to forgiveness and I can't say I'm quite there yet, but time, while it doesn't heal gives us perspective and I'm trying to focus on the future and on hope. I think it's healthy to release what's within us emotionally as long as we don't hold onto it.

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    1. The questions are relentless, aren't they - I would love to have an hour with him again, just to try and understand what happened. I hate knowing I will never get all the answers. I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation. Thank you for sharing xo

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  9. The guilt and blame are the worst part. I knew he wasn't "okay" but I kept assuring myself he would never kill himself. I mean who actually kills them self? And it wa 4 days after his 24th birthday. I'm drowning in a state of sorrow, guilt, anger and depression. I cry myself to sleep every night and just like you wake up with swollen eyes and a broken heart once again. The only good time is when I'm asleep. Every second of the day is filled with a thought of him, and why he did it, how this can be true, I feel like I'm living in a horrible nightmare. How could someone who loved me, leave me behind on purpose, when there are so many others who would give anything for just one more day or minute. Ugh. Thank you for this post . Why does it help to know others have suffered and are suffering as well, I don't know but it does.

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