Tuesday, July 29, 2014


Avoidance has been a common theme for me in my journey.

I avoid thinking about or dealing with Ian's death by overloading myself with work and study.

And I'm still doing that to a degree, but I have a counsellor who's poking and prodding me along the journey of dealing with it all.

But now I find I'm avoiding going back into the workforce.  I kind of want to, will need to at some point, but this week I've been feeling really scared of the prospect.  Even if it's 6-18 months away.

Six years ago, after my mum and step-dad died in quick succession, plus unemployment hit at the same time my step-dad died, I took a chunk of time off, simply doing nothing, giving me time to deal with the fall out.  After about six months, I was ready to go back to work.  I reached the point I needed work, rather than hours of watching TV, reading and crafts, for my sanity.

This week I sat a supplementary exam granted because of John's hospital stay, and thought I'd done really well.  But the results that went up on Friday for the supp seem to say otherwise.   A fail, but an offer of an academic supplementary exam.  Probably technically available since the supplementary I sat was on medical grounds, so still have the academic option.  But is confusing since the supplementary exam period is over. 

Or it could simply be a quirk of the reporting system, and a true grade will come up a bit later. 

I of course emailed the school to get the situation clarified, but no response yet.  Not what you want additionally rattling around in your head over the weekend. 

But here's the thing.

I'm actually not that worried about the extra time (and cost) having to repeat the subject, and juggle pre-requisites this semester, will add to my studies. Nor am I worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to work at the end of this year to carry the load I need to in order to finish at the end of next year.

Heck, I'm tossing around that I could even take the option of pushing for an extra semester or even year to finish.

I guess it's partially because I've not actually taken that chunk of 'nothingness' time after Ian died.  I've really been on the go, except for uni holidays.  And even now I have other commitments I didn't have 6 years ago. 

But I know I'm really not ready to head back to work. 

Into the real 'real world'. 

Right now, I could happily not go back ever again.


  1. I can so relate to this avoidance of returning to the workforce. I had been a homemaker/stay-home mom and worked part-time when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I had to quit the part-time to take care of him. I have polished up my resume, passed a certification exam, and I have had job offers....but none I want to take. I feel at time I am not ready to deal with the stress and demands of the cold, callous business world.

  2. I agree - A business world that generally hasn't figured out there might actually be more important things in the world!

  3. Hello, I read yr post abt avoidance.. I'm new to this site. Abt 2 mos.stumbled on it accidentally actually..anyway I went back and found u an yr bio on home pg..let me start by saying I'm very sorry for yr Loss..I would like to respond to yr post with most sincere kindness.. Bio says u r 39.., and u tried for a child, and was finally successful.. Wonderful. A beautiful son..u don't think u can return to work yet..I understand that.. What I hear is deep depression.. I knw what it is..u sound very talented, and r young..whatever yr passions r n this life that make u happy is where I think u should go..b the very best u can be at it.. It will fill up some of the time.., maybe take work that is fun...? Just suggestion..after all who needs anymore seriousness , right..yr little boy needs u to be happy for him..Believe me when I say this w kindness..I guess cause I'm older widow I want to see u be happy again...being passionate about something u absolutely love for a while maybe a yr or so, so the brain knws hey she's still with us in a good way...depression is one ugly monster..it can disguise itself, u must be strong and clever enuf to recognize it.. It's tricky. All the triggers everyone speaks of, true.. The reason I responded to yr post, is I believe this...God already had a plan he was taking yr husband back home..so he gave u that beautiful little son ... So u could go on....when my husband died I wanted to crawl n casket w him..my son had only Ben married couple months when accident happened.. The following yr I got my grandaughter...God sent her to save me..truly..this nov. I would hv Ben married 40 yrs..would hv...God had a plan for my husband too..everytime I look at her I see his eyes.. She has his eyes and sometimes actions like him.. Crazy but true..yr son is yr reason to go on...please knw that I write this w heartfelt thought.. This site brings insight to all of us, no matter what age...u mentioned yr mum passed an stepdad.. Agan so sorry u have so much loss...Jesus told us we would hv troubles and tribulations.. Wow, he wasn't just sayn that..it's hard to live in this world somedays..But God promised us a better life n heaven if we continue to hv faith..the yr my husband passed we had 3 famy members and 6 friends pass..that yr was unbelievable...Don't give up on working, I knw u r good at yr work or u wouldn't still b n school.. Jump back in there while u still can, u will be ok and little one will see a strong mommy, his example to follow..do something fun regularly..Don't knw what came over me to respond to yr post, just something inside said respond... Please accept everything I said w kindness..u just seemed down..May God Bless u an that precious little son..your Gift..